We think of grief as a uniquely human emotion, but there are many examples of animals apparently experiencing suffering from the loss of a ‘loved one’.

Recently, off the coast of Vancouver, Canada, a Killer Whale kept her dead calf with her for more than two weeks before finally letting go of the baby’s body. The newborn Orca died soon after birth, but its mother ‘repeatedly retrieved’ its sinking body, ‘supporting it on her forehead and pushing it in choppy seas’ according to a statement from the Center for Whale Research.

The sight of the mother Killer Whale carrying her baby’s body for 17 days and over 1,000 miles was ‘an image of grief that struck an emotional chord worldwide’ according to the Guardian. The paper reported that the whale’s story had inspired an upsurge in support for environmental action to save the endangered animals.

But from a scientific perspective, animal grief in complicated. Studies suggest that some animals might understand death in ways similar to humans. But professionally sceptical, scientists believe that more research is required before we can definitively refer to non-human species’ response to death as “grieving”.

That, however, won’t prevent the rest of us seeing heart-breaking animal behaviours in terms of our own understanding of grief. The recent images of the Orca and her calf are just the latest in a long line of pictures and videos that are popularly seen as evidence of animal grieving.

A post on Refinery29.com speculates on the behaviours of a range of animals that seem to be mourning like people. It describes chimpanzees appearing to hold funerals; baboons apparently seeking the comfort from others in their group after a death; elephants possibly paying their last respects; and the death of a duck, maybe from a broken heart, very soon after losing its companion.

While acknowledging the need for more science, the post explains our readiness to see grief in the animal kingdom as a reflection of our own struggle to understand the grieving process. “…even among humans, grief can feel like a mystery, so it’s a small comfort to see some of our own mourning processes reflected in other species.”

Overlaying human interpretations of animal behaviour is common in everyday life and it’s no surprise that we see echoes of ourselves in their response to death. From the communal cackling of Magpies to mark the demise of one of their own to the mournful howling of wolves that have lost a member of the pack, we want to believe these animals are expressing their grief as openly as we do.

Writing in the Telegraph, Dr Marc Bekoff, professor at the University of Colorado and author of ‘The Emotional Lives of Animals’, explains that the fact that we share traits with animals, including emotions, is an extension of Charles Darwin’s accepted ideas about evolution.

“The differences between species are differences in degree rather than differences in kind,” he wrote. “The seemingly natural human urge to impart emotions on to animals, far from obscuring the “true” nature of animals, may actually reflect a very accurate way of knowing.”

1. Brazilian Joao Maria de Souza was killed in 2013 when a cow fell through his roof onto him as he slept. 
2. Clement Vallandigham, a 19th century US lawyer, accidentally shot himself dead while defending a murder suspect – because he was trying to demonstrate that a supposed victim could have accidentally shot himself dead. (It worked, because his client was acquitted.)
3. Canadian lawyer Garry Hoy died while trying to prove that the glass in the windows of a 24th floor office was unbreakable, by throwing himself against it. It didn’t break – but it did pop out of its frame and he plunged to his death.
4. In 2007 the deputy mayor of Delhi, Surinder Singh Bajwa, died falling off a balcony while trying to fend off a troupe of attacking monkeys.
5. Monica Meyer, the mayor of Betterton, Maryland, died while checking her town’s sewage tanks– she fell in and drowned in 15 feet of human waste.
6. Sigurd the Mighty, a ninth-century Norse earl of Orkney, was killed by an enemy he had beheaded several hours earlier. He’d tied the man’s head to his horse’s saddle, but while riding home one of its protruding teeth grazed his leg. He died from the infection.
7. The owner of the company that makes Segways died in 2010 after accidentally driving his Segway off a cliff.
8. Robert Williams, a Ford assembly line worker, is the first human in history to have been killed by a robot. He was hit by a robot arm in 1979.
9. In 1923, jockey Frank Hayes won a race at Belmont Park in New York despite being dead— he suffered a heart attack mid-race, but his body stayed in the saddle until his horse crossed the line for a 20–1 outsider victory.
10. US congressman Michael F. Farley died in 1921 as a result of shaving– because his shaving brush was infected with anthrax.
11. Several people danced themselves to death during the month-long Dance Fever of 1518 in Strasbourg, during which hundreds of people danced for about a month for no clear reason.
12. Paul G. Thomas, the owner of a wool mill, fell into one of his machines in 1987 and died after being wrapped in 800 yards of wool.
13. Edward Harrison was playing golf in Washington state in 1951 when his driver snapped, and the shaft lodged in his groin. He staggered about 100 yards before bleeding to death.
14. In 1900, American physician Jesse William Lazear tried to prove that Yellow Fever was transmitted by mosquitoes by letting infected mosquitoes bite him. He then died of the disease. Proving himself right.
15. Russian physician Alexander Bogdanov performed pioneering blood transfusions on himself, believing they would give him long life. They actually killed him after he suffered an adverse reaction.
16. Austrian tailor Franz Reichelt thought he’d invented a device that could make men fly. He tested this by jumping off the Eiffel Tower wearing it. It didn’t work. He died.
17. In 1567, the man said to have the longest beard in the world died after he tripped over his beard running away from a fire.
18. The Greek philosopher Chrysippus of Soli is said to have died of laughter after watching a donkey trying to eat his figs.
19. British actor Gareth Jones died of a heart attack while performing in a live televised play in 1958 – in which his character was scripted to have a heart attack. The rest of the cast improvised around his death and finished the play.
20. Mary Ward was a pioneering Irish female scientist who is sadly better known as the first person in history to ever be killed in a car accident– while driving with her family in their experimental “road locomotive steam engine”.
21. And the first pedestrian ever killed by a car was Bridget Driscoll of Croydon, London, in 1896.
22. Carl Wilhelm Scheele was a brilliant Swedish chemist who had an unwise habit of tasting all the chemicals he discovered. He died in 1786 as a result of his exposure to lead, hydrofluoric acid, arsenic and various other poisons.
23. Engineer Horace Lawson Hunley pioneered submarine design in the American Civil War – although most of them sank. He died when his final model, named after himself, sank while he was in command of it.
24. General John Sedgwick was killed by a sniper in the American Civil War shortly after uttering the words “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance.”(Contrary to popular belief, though, they weren’t his last words. They were his second-last. His last words were agreeing that dodging was in fact a good idea.)
25. Health fanatic Basil Brown managed to kill himself by drinking a gallon of carrot juice a day, in the belief it would make him healthy.
26. In 1992, Greg Austin Gingrich died in the Grand Canyon after jokingly pretending to fall to his death, then losing his footing and actually falling to his death.
27. Queen Sunanda Kumariratana of Siam (now Thailand) drowned in 1880 in full view of many of her subjects – because they were forbidden to touch her, so couldn’t rescue her.
28. The first people ever killed in an air accident were hot air balloon pioneers Jean-François Pilâtre de Rozier and Pierre Romain, in 1785.
29. And the first person ever killed in a powered aeroplane crash was Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge in 1908, in a plane piloted by Orville Wright.
30. Twenty-one people died in the Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919, when a massive tank of molasses burst on a warm day, sending a 25ft high wave of sweetener through the city at 35mph.
31. And eight people died in the London Beer Flood of 1814, when a giant vat at a brewery burst, sending over 3,500 barrels of beer pouring though the nearby streets.

We have asked our longest serving suppliers to write a guest blog for us. Like many industries there are companies that never get recognised for the work they do. We would not be able to provide the service we do without the reliability and flexibility we receive from such a great supplier.  Thank you to Garry for finding the time to write this.

Front row left to right – Danny Green (I.T.), Geoff Horner (account manager), Emelia Finn (sales ledger), Chloe Rogers (office supervisor), Tom Stroud (account manager), Harry Allsop (website & marketing manager).
Back row left to right – Pauline Jupp (purchase ledger), Garry Allsop (M.D.), Dolly Garland (general manager).

“We have had the pleasure of supplying Bungard and Sons Ltd for four generations now. 

My grandpa had his own one-man business supplying local funeral directors with coffin timber sets and various other funeral supplies, and used to supply Bungards back in the 60’s and 70’s. 

He introduced my father to the funeral trade, and after my grandpa retired, my father and myself formed Allsops and we were able to continue supplying them. 

At one point we were based only a couple of streets away and they used us as their stock room, so we got to know them pretty well.  

There have been times when they have asked us to source a one-off or unusual funeral product for them, whether it be a special coffin interior lining made in our own workshop, or an unusual set of handles for the coffin, and we have always been very happy to do so.          

 These days we supply funeral directors all over the country, but Bungards are the sort of company we especially like to do business with. 

They are, and have always been, the most gentlemanly, friendly and decent folks you could hope to meet.   Thoroughly professional, they put their clients before anything else.   My father has since retired and my son and daughter have joined me in our business. 

They echo my sentiments, which I believe is the same as Bungards – treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself.”

Our next Civil Celebrant we would like you to meet is the very lovely Linda Hodgson

Linda Hodgson Independent Life Celebrant

Celebrating Life with stories told from the heart…

Every time I go to meet a family, I go with an open mind and an open heart.  I am conscious that I am entering their lives at a very difficult time, as they deal with all the consequences of their loved one’s death, there are so many practical things they have to do, at a time when they are emotionally vulnerable.  So for me the most important thing I can do, is to help to ease the burden of preparing the funeral service.

I always greet them with a smile, and if they ask me if I would like a cup of tea, I usually say ‘if you are making one that would be lovely’  and as I explain that I prefer it not too milky ‘builders’ style, quite strong, it breaks the ice, distracts them for a while.  Then we sit down together and start to chat.

I believe that everyone has a story to tell, and sharing their loved ones story at the time of their funeral is a way of honouring them and acknowledging their time here on Earth, no matter what their life might have been like, for I honour every single life. Some lives have been filled with adventure, travel, career achievement, family harmony, other lives might seem lonely to the outsider, some may have been filled with the challenges of addiction, or family conflict, I give them all equal attention and care, particularly those that have died in more difficult circumstances, or have left behind a fractured family, my heart goes out to them all.  To me it is important to bring some dignity to them, to look for the nuggets of love that were present in their life, I am always amazed at our capacity, as humans, for unconditional love, and in the end that is all that matters and what I look for in everyone’s stories are the moments of love shared.

So when I sit with a family and encourage them to talk about their loved one, sharing in memories, thinking about them when they were well, and living their life, and choosing poems and music for the service, the families tell me that they find it quite cathartic.

Not only do they have a sense of relief that I will be there supporting them through the service, they also feel that the conversation has helped them to remember a time when their loved ones were not ill, or frail, or suffering from dementia, or with their mental health or fighting off cancer, talking openly in this way is just a small step on their long journey, to living their life without that person by their side.  Sometimes we shed tears together as they talk about their memories, and the qualities that made their loved one the unique and amazing human that they were.

Some people know exactly what they want to do to say goodbye to their wife, husband, life partner, mother, father, sister, brother, son or daughter, granny, grandad, or even distant relative, they write their life story, share their memories, choose all the music, decide that they want to toast them with a  tot of Baileys at the end of the service, or release Dove’s to help their soul on their journey, or simply place a flower on the coffin as they leave.

Their stories make us laugh, make us cry, the whole rollercoaster of emotions are experienced during the service.  Sometimes family members can stand up and read the life story or a poem.

When families feel that they would not be able to stand up and say anything, and are not sure what to do or how to even start writing a life story, I sit with them and reassure them that I can do it all, and we spend time talking and chatting whilst I write fantastically fast to capture all their memories.

As a Life Celebrant, I will do whatever a family wants to do to celebrate their loved ones life, many people no longer want a full religious service, but still have an underlying faith, so for them I do a semi-religious service, where we sing hymns and say a prayer, as well as share in memories, so it is still life-centred and personalised.  Other families want a service that is totally life-centred, with no religious content. Each service I do is created from scratch to ensure it reflects the essence of the person that we are saying goodbye to.

I have been doing Celebrant work for just nearly 3 years now, I always say that I have found my vocation.  It is always a pleasure to work with my Funeral Directors, particularly Richard and Ben at Bungard, the care they show to their families, is always heart-warming.  I feel privileged every day to be able to help families at such a difficult time, and I am always honoured when they return to me, as many have, but to me the most amazing part of being a Celebrant is witnessing the power of the human spirit, and the capacity for love, forgiveness, and kindness.  As I walk my dog down on the beach, I look to the sky and think how lucky I am to be able to see the wonder of our world every day, and be a part of celebrating life’s journey.

Frances Tulley – Civil Celebrant

Our next Civil Celebrant we would like you to meet is the warm and caring Frances Tulley..

I have lived and worked in Brighton for 28 years although I was born and raised in Croydon and lived in Godstone, Surrey for ten years.

My family and 15-year-old Jack Russell have our home in Fiveways, Brighton.

My previous career was in dental hygiene, where I developed a special interest in working with people to reduce their anxiety and fear of dentistry, and trained others in working with anxious patients. For this, I twice received Dental Hygienist of the Year awards. I also have a Diploma in Holistic Aromatherapy.

I was brought up in a strict Christian family, but for the past 45 years have followed my own spiritual path of respect for our world and for each other. I have a very open approach to people’s beliefs and a philosophy of tolerance.

I have lost both parents, ex-husband, family members and several friends, and have witnessed grief and sadness in different ways. I took an active role in arranging my father’s funeral five years ago; my interest in funerals, and what makes a good funeral, grew from that.

I believe that funerals should be people-centred. There is a growing movement towards families being more ‘hands-on’ and taking an active role in funeral arrangements and creating ceremony. This is a tremendously important part of the grieving process and I actively encourage families to get involved as much as possible. Often, all that is needed is permission; there is no right or wrong way. A little guidance and help from me can go a long way to making a unique, warm and beautiful ceremony.

I qualified as a celebrant in 2015 with a NOCN Level 3 Diploma in Funeral Celebrancy (QCF) and have since carried out around 200 funerals.

I am a member of AOIC, The Association of Independent Celebrants, http://independentcelebrants.com which encourages continuous professional development and provides support and mentoring for celebrants, and am also a member of The Natural Death Centre, which is a charity that carries out excellent work helping people to make informed choices when someone dies.

The Good Funeral Guild fosters a spirit of community among people interested in end-of-life matters and funerals http://goodfuneralguild.co.uk and for the last two years I was privileged to be a finalist in the Celebrant of the Year category at the Good Funeral Awards.

The taboo and fear of talking about death in our society is slowly beginning to change. I hold regular Death Cafes at different locations in Brighton, and recently in Hastings, to encourage people to enter into such discussions, and to start taking control of their own life (and death). If you are interested in coming along I can put you on my mailing list.

This is the most rewarding work I have ever done. It is such a privilege to help people through what can often seem like an impossible hurdle at a time when their world is thrown into chaos and intolerable grief.

If you would like to talk to me about planning any aspects of a funeral please get in touch –

Phone: 01273 248750

Email – frances@ftcelebrantservices.com

Web – www.ftcelebrantservices.com

Facebook –  https://www.facebook.com/funeralcelebrantservices

Thank you to Kristina, our Bereavement Counsellor for providing a blog with advice when grieving at Christmas. 

Christmas can be a difficult time of year for those who have experienced the death of a family member, friend, pet or someone close to them. Despite how the saying goes ‘time can be a great healer’ it is often not the case and whether you have said goodbye to someone this year or twenty years ago, Christmas can be a painful reminder of what has been lost.

The grieving process is different for all of us and it is important for you to make arrangements that will help you and your needs during this difficult time. Some people might not want to celebrate Christmas and want to be alone, while others may want to be surrounded by family and friends for support. Whatever you decide best suits your needs and your grieving process it may be helpful to make some plans for you to remember that special person/people. Here are some suggestions:

• Visit a grave or special place of the person that has died.
• Talk to them, out loud or silently (think about what you would say to them if they were here)
• Share memories with others around you or write some memories down and keep them in a jar (‘memory jar’)
• Light a candle for them

It can also be healing to balance the time remembering with some time for you, and if you find joy this Christmas, try to allow yourself to be happy without guilt. Remember, it is okay to be happy – this doesn’t diminish how much you love and miss the person who isn’t with you this Christmas.

Most importantly be kind to yourself and ask for help if you need it. Here are some useful contacts:

The Samaritans
24 hour FREE helpline support every day of the year for anyone in distress including those who are feeling suicidal.
T: 116 123
W: www.samaritans.org

Cruse Bereavement Care

National email support service: helpline@cruse.org.uk

National helpline number: 0808 808 1677

Helpline opening hours: Monday – Friday 9.30am – 5pm (excluding bank holidays) with extended hours on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays to 8pm

Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (SANDS)
T: 020 7436 5881
E: helpline@uk-sands.org
W: www.uk-sands.org
Welcomes calls from anyone affected by a stillbirth or a baby, family, friends or professionals including long after the event

Child Death Helpline
T: 0800 282986
Mon-Fri 1000-1300, Weds only 1300-1600
Every day 1900-2200
W: www.childdeathhelpline.org
Helpline support for anyone affected by the death of a child, irrespective of the age of the child, the relationship or the length of time since the death.

Winston’s Wish

Helpline: 08088 020021
W: www.winstonswish.org.uk
Gives support for those caring for children affected by the death of a parent or a sibling and to the children themselves.

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide
T: 0844 561 6855 Lines are open 0900-2100 every day
W: www.uk-sobs.org.uk
A self help organisation which exists to meet the needs of those bereaved by the suicide of a family member or anyone close to them.

The Blue Cross
T: 0800 096 6606 Everyday 0830-2030
W: www.bluecross.org.uk
Telephone and email support following the loss of a companion animal.

Please also contact us if you would like to attend our bereavement support coffee mornings or would like to seek specialist bereavement counselling in the new year on the details below. These services are available to all clients of Bungards, please make contact with Bungards for more details.

Festive best wishes

Kristina

K Counselling rand Psychotherapy

Webiste: www.kcounselling.co.uk

Tel: 07444471064

E-mail: kcounselling@outlook.com. ”

 Candle at Christmas

Over the next few weeks we will be introducing some of the great Celebrants that we recommend. Catherine Duffy has kindly volunteered to go first.
Catherine Duffy, Sussex Personal Funeral Celebrancy Service.

I’m writing this on Armistice Day which is a significant reminder to me about how and why I became a civil celebrant.

Two years ago, I was still commuting to London every day to work, doing a senior, serious and stressful job in a local authority. I represented the Department for Adults and Children at our Armistice Day event, and remembered, in particular, my nephew-in-law, Flt Lt Alan Scott who had died a couple of months earlier, in Afghanistan. Al was repatriated through Brize Norton, with all the military honours, and his funeral was beautiful; a mix of the intense formality of the armed forces and the colour, love and personal touches that my niece wanted, for us all to remember her husband in the different facets of his life. I had found Lisa a celebrant who negotiated a path through the RAF expectations and those of the family beautifully, with touches of religion for those to whom faith mattered, but respecting the views and values of Alan and Lisa, who did not hold any faith. I was impressed and slightly in awe with the work that she did.

Fast forward a couple of months, and the senior, serious and stressful job ended, and I knew immediately that I wanted to be a celebrant; to be involved so intimately and gently powerfully at a time when people are so very sad, hurt and vulnerable. I identified the best training I could, and later gained my Diploma in Funeral Celebrancy.

What a privilege the last fifteen months have been – and what learning I have gained from every individual person and every family I have worked with in each of their unique situations. I have helped well over 120 families, mostly through my contact with excellent funeral directors such as Bungards, and some directly from people who have been at a funeral I have been celebrant at, and others from people from my wide circle of family and friends. Each is so unique, so personal.

People can and do expect different things from funerals these days – from the traditional to the outrageously joyful – and I love being in a position to help people who are trying to think through the options at the hardest time to make decisions, and to help them to create the unique story of the person who has died, in the way that feels ‘right’ to the family.
Death happens to us all, as we know, but few of us are privileged to be in the company of bereaved people so uniquely, and to hear the human stories behind family lives, and deaths. I am humbled and grateful that I am able to do this; to be able to tell the stories, to share in the music and poetry and readings that form the backdrop to individual, unique, personal lives.

I love my job, today, on Armistice Day, and every day. All lives matter.