Coping with bereavement

The crisis of grief comes to everyone sooner or later.

 

There are things which we can know to help us when we experience grief and to help us give understanding, comfort and encouragement to bereaved friends. This can only serve as an introduction to grief, for bereavement is highly personal and all embracing and each one of us will experience it in his or her own individual way. Yet there is a recognised pattern to grieving and this booklet leads you through the stages of grief to show how healing can take place and help the bereaved understand and cope with the emotional trauma of losing someone close. Our worst fears are always of the unknown, but if you know that grief needs to be worked through and how the process happens it may help you to be more prepared for the death of a loved one

The death of a loved one

The death of a loved one is an experience we may all have to cope with at some time in our lives, particularly as we grow older. In our society the subject of death is taboo; we don’t talk about it – even deny it, perhaps because our worst fear is the death of a loved one and partner. Yet death is part of life’s cycle and we are coming to recognise the need to study grief and bereavement in an effort to know more about the grieving and healing process. We have seen that the bereaved can find great comfort and relief in being able to express feelings, crying and talking through sorrow with those who will listed and share.

The death of a partner is known to be one of the severest forms of stress. In older age it can mean the end of a loving relationship which has lasted for many years; in older age, too, there may be many added disadvantages – lack of mobility, the problem of living alone, your own infirmity or ill health, the distance you live from the family, or the possibility that you may have no family left at all.

To each individual the loss of a loved person is a unique and traumatic event; there is no standard measure of the pain of that loss and we all need to come to terms with it in our own way.

The need to mourn

In times gone by there was more formality in mourning and the acceptance of ritual expressions of grief were part of the lifestyle of our grandparents. Nowadays with the passing of that formality we may overlook the need to mourn, but it is essential to our wellbeing and our recovery. We need to allow ourselves this time to mourn and to grieve and we should allow it in others and seek to help them.

Many can find additional solace through religion and our personal faith and philosophy of outlook can be of enormous comfort in bereavement.

The stages of grief

The different stages of grief are now fairly well defined and include:

Shock and disbelief
Expressions of grief
Depression and apathy
Signs of recovery

Every stage will vary with each individual and you won’t necessarily progress through each stage in a logical fashion, nor indeed through all of them. Your own personality and strength may help You to cope with one stage better than another. You may find yourself see-sawing through bouts of misery, anger and depression all in one day, possibly even at a time when you – or your friends and relatives – hoped you were showing signs of recovery. That’s the sort of reversal that can happen in the grieving process.

Shock and disbelief
Initial shock at the loss is often described as a numbness, a sense of disbelief; sometimes the fact of death and the meaning of the loss may be denied by the bereaved. It’s a natural reaction which cushions you against the loss and allows you to feel it more slowly. Don’t try to block your feelings as this can delay healing.

Expressions of grief
Grief is not constant depression, but acute pangs of severe loss and pining which in time may come less often or only when they are jogged by a recollection – a photograph or waking up alone in a bed that once was shared.

These attacks of anxious yearning form part of the search for the one we have lost, and they can make us restless and moody. This phase can be distressing and bewildering for we fail, in a physical sense, to get back the person we love.

Another painful expression of grief is guilt. Many of us blame ourselves for things not done while the loved one still lived; now there’s no chance to put matters right nor any chance of “being forgiven”; we may even feel that we could have prevented or postponed that death if we had acted differently. These feelings of guilt may need to be talked through many times before any peace of mind can be reached – and are part of the healing process.

Anger and aggression can also be expressions of grief. Anger at what has happened and the injustice of the loss; anger at the lack of proper understanding in others; anger at those who allowed the loved one to die. The source of anger is usually at death itself and our helplessness in the face of it. The deceased may become a focus for this anger but because it wouldn’t be seemly to rage against the dead the hostility is shifted to others – family, friends and hospital staff for instance. Anger shouldn’t be bottles up; if it is it can gnaw away for years and rob you of peace of mind. Try to work through your feelings with someone you can confide in, preferably someone not emotionally involved in your own loss.

Remembering and reliving first the immediate past and then gradually more distant memories are part of the yearning period of grief and serve to change the nature of the bond between you and your dead partner. Remembering is painful because it can bring back many sad memories; perhaps re-awakening the grief of former losses or periods of distress or unhappiness; but remembering is needed in healing, and can bring back happy memories, too, which are greatly comforting.

Depression and apathy
The acute feelings of anxiety, guilt and anger will gradually give way to being depressed and apathetic. This depression can be a reaction to too much emotion; it is a badly needed period of non-emotion, a time when the spirit is at its lowest ebb and for some it spells hopeless despair, for others a joyless monotony. Depression also happens because when realisation comes we know we cannot now change things in terms of bringing back our dead partner.

At this point the widowed feel loss of identity and lack of self-confidence. A painful aspect of bereavement is the way in which others view the widowed. Our social taboo of death means that it is often denied or ignored, and because people are embarrassed to talk about death they may shun the newly bereaved. That can be an additional hurt, but sharing this hurt with others who have also travelled along this difficult road can bring relief.

Signs of recovery
In your own time you will come to accept the reality that the loved one you mourn is dead. This is perhaps difficult to believe while you suffer the early stages of the agony and bitterness of grief. Feelings of misery and pain will grow less acute as you accept that your situation has changed and that you will take up your life again without the deceased. Here again the experience and support of others including those who have suffered a similar loss will help you to work your way through to recovery.

Physical and emotional demands

The stress of grief makes enormous physical and emotional demands upon us. Stress also makes us accident prone. That’s why it’s very important to take extra care and cosset yourself. Be sure to keep warm. Try to eat nourishing food – even though you’ve little appetite. Take extra rest even if you can’t sleep. Accept that your normal daily pattern won’t be the same. Make your bedroom really comfortable and take hot drinks to bed with you. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself teats. Fresh air and exercise will help you to relax and reduce tension far better than turning to drugs and alcohol. But if you are worried about your health in any way or you have a persistent complaint you should consult your doctor.

Share your fears

As we grow older we are beset by fears. In bereavement we may experience the return of childhood fears as well as new fears; fear of the dark, fear of the unknown future, fear of having to move house, fear of not being able to cope with house chores, the garden or pets, the fear of being alone after many years of loving companionship – perhaps the greatest fear of all is having to face our own death. Fears are real but can be shared; the support of your family and friends will help to quell those fears. Specialist helping agencies can also provide help, so do keep their addresses and telephone numbers in handy places.

Practical do’s and don’ts

Don’t hide your feelings of grief – often guilt, panic and anger – they are only natural.
Don’t let family or friends hurry you into making decisions until you are ready – such as clearing out all your partner’s belongings before you are ready to tackle that task yourself.
Don’t enter into any financial arrangement you do not understand.
Don’t turn to drugs, alcohol or smoke to excess.
Don’t neglet yourself.
Don’t move home while you are still grieving. You will need tome to adjust to life without the loved one.
Don’t hurry the healing process; take it at your own pace.
Don’t ignore grief. You may feel run down and exhausted, so let others help.

Do remember that heartache does not instantly disappear, and you have to help yourself.
Do make the first move to let friends know wen you are ready to share your sorrow.
Do express your emotions.
Do please talk about what has happened with your family or a close friend or a sympathetic group.
Do have a Samaritans number by you at all times.
Do take great care of yourself. Do eat properly. Do rest.
Do try to guard against in the home.
Do make sure your home is secure – the police will give you free advice.
Do be sure to consult your doctor if your health is a worry.
Do remember to call us when you feel the need to talk through any difficulties.