Thank you to Kristina, our Bereavement Counsellor for providing a blog with advice when grieving at Christmas. 

Christmas can be a difficult time of year for those who have experienced the death of a family member, friend, pet or someone close to them. Despite how the saying goes ‘time can be a great healer’ it is often not the case and whether you have said goodbye to someone this year or twenty years ago, Christmas can be a painful reminder of what has been lost.

 

The grieving process is different for all of us and it is important for you to make arrangements that will help you and your needs during this difficult time. Some people might not want to celebrate Christmas and want to be alone, while others may want to be surrounded by family and friends for support. Whatever you decide best suits your needs and your grieving process it may be helpful to make some plans for you to remember that special person/people. Here are some suggestions:

 

• Visit a grave or special place of the person that has died.
• Talk to them, out loud or silently (think about what you would say to them if they were here)
• Share memories with others around you or write some memories down and keep them in a jar (‘memory jar’)
• Light a candle for them

 

It can also be healing to balance the time remembering with some time for you, and if you find joy this Christmas, try to allow yourself to be happy without guilt. Remember, it is okay to be happy – this doesn’t diminish how much you love and miss the person who isn’t with you this Christmas.

 

Most importantly be kind to yourself and ask for help if you need it. Here are some useful contacts:

 

The Samaritans
24 hour FREE helpline support every day of the year for anyone in distress including those who are feeling suicidal.
T: 116 123
W: www.samaritans.org

 

Cruse Bereavement Care

National email support service: helpline@cruse.org.uk

National helpline number: 0808 808 1677

Helpline opening hours: Monday – Friday 9.30am – 5pm (excluding bank holidays) with extended hours on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays to 8pm

Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (SANDS)
T: 020 7436 5881
E: helpline@uk-sands.org
W: www.uk-sands.org
Welcomes calls from anyone affected by a stillbirth or a baby, family, friends or professionals including long after the event

Child Death Helpline
T: 0800 282986
Mon-Fri 1000-1300, Weds only 1300-1600
Every day 1900-2200
W: www.childdeathhelpline.org
Helpline support for anyone affected by the death of a child, irrespective of the age of the child, the relationship or the length of time since the death.

Winston’s Wish

Helpline: 08088 020021
W: www.winstonswish.org.uk
Gives support for those caring for children affected by the death of a parent or a sibling and to the children themselves.

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide
T: 0844 561 6855 Lines are open 0900-2100 every day
W: www.uk-sobs.org.uk
A self help organisation which exists to meet the needs of those bereaved by the suicide of a family member or anyone close to them.

The Blue Cross
T: 0800 096 6606 Everyday 0830-2030
W: www.bluecross.org.uk
Telephone and email support following the loss of a companion animal.

 

Please also contact us if you would like to attend our bereavement support coffee mornings or would like to seek specialist bereavement counselling in the new year on the details below. These services are available to all clients of Bungards, please make contact with Bungards for more details.

 

Festive best wishes

 

Kristina

K Counselling rand Psychotherapy

 

Webiste: www.kcounselling.co.uk

Tel: 07444471064

E-mail: kcounselling@outlook.com. ”

 Candle at Christmas

Over the next few weeks we will be introducing some of the great Celebrants that we recommend. Catherine Duffy has kindly volunteered to go first.
Catherine Duffy, Sussex Personal Funeral Celebrancy Service.

I’m writing this on Armistice Day which is a significant reminder to me about how and why I became a civil celebrant.

Two years ago, I was still commuting to London every day to work, doing a senior, serious and stressful job in a local authority. I represented the Department for Adults and Children at our Armistice Day event, and remembered, in particular, my nephew-in-law, Flt Lt Alan Scott who had died a couple of months earlier, in Afghanistan. Al was repatriated through Brize Norton, with all the military honours, and his funeral was beautiful; a mix of the intense formality of the armed forces and the colour, love and personal touches that my niece wanted, for us all to remember her husband in the different facets of his life. I had found Lisa a celebrant who negotiated a path through the RAF expectations and those of the family beautifully, with touches of religion for those to whom faith mattered, but respecting the views and values of Alan and Lisa, who did not hold any faith. I was impressed and slightly in awe with the work that she did.

Fast forward a couple of months, and the senior, serious and stressful job ended, and I knew immediately that I wanted to be a celebrant; to be involved so intimately and gently powerfully at a time when people are so very sad, hurt and vulnerable. I identified the best training I could, and later gained my Diploma in Funeral Celebrancy.

What a privilege the last fifteen months have been – and what learning I have gained from every individual person and every family I have worked with in each of their unique situations. I have helped well over 120 families, mostly through my contact with excellent funeral directors such as Bungards, and some directly from people who have been at a funeral I have been celebrant at, and others from people from my wide circle of family and friends. Each is so unique, so personal.

People can and do expect different things from funerals these days – from the traditional to the outrageously joyful – and I love being in a position to help people who are trying to think through the options at the hardest time to make decisions, and to help them to create the unique story of the person who has died, in the way that feels ‘right’ to the family.
Death happens to us all, as we know, but few of us are privileged to be in the company of bereaved people so uniquely, and to hear the human stories behind family lives, and deaths. I am humbled and grateful that I am able to do this; to be able to tell the stories, to share in the music and poetry and readings that form the backdrop to individual, unique, personal lives.

I love my job, today, on Armistice Day, and every day. All lives matter.

As part of our “aftercare” I am pleased to announce that we will be launching our first aftercare Coffee Morning on

Thursday 15^th June 2017 @ 11.00am – 12.00noon

We then plan to have a meetup four times a year with these dates as the next three planned for the next 12months.

Wednesday 13^th September 2017 at10.30am – 11.30am

Wednesday 6^th December 2017 at 10.30am – 11.30am

Wednesday 7^th March 2018 at 10.30am – 11.30am

 

The coffee mornings will take place upstairs at “The Hive Café & Community Centre” in Stoneham Park Stoneham Road, Hove, East Sussex, BN3 3FD.

 

We hope that these events will help you meet others who have been bereaved and provide support to each other by offering company, chats and hopefully a little fun and laughter over cake and tea/coffee all on us!

We hope you will be able to support us as we start this new aspect of our aftercare and if there is anything else we can do to be of assistance or if you have any questions then please do give me a call.

We are delighted to announce that Kristina Burvill-Ridler has joined the Bungard aftercare team. In her own words here is a little bit of information about her.

I am a qualified humanistic psychotherapeutic counsellor in Brighton and Hove.

I understand how extremely difficult, painful and stressful life can be and it can be a hard job to try and manage things on our own. I appreciate that living with daily pressures can mean we can feel lost and lose direction of what we want from life. You may be seeking counselling to talk about the daily struggles in your life, or to gain support with a specific issue such as bereavement or relationship issues. Whatever your reason, I believe that sharing your emotions and feelings freely within an empathic and therapeutic relationship can be incredibly healing.

I aim to provide you with a safe and confidential space where you can explore what may be bothering you and have a chance to express your thoughts and feelings.

My approach is humanistic and I believe that we all have the ability to make the right choices and decisions for ourselves. I will encourage you to trust in your own process, and work with you to identify your inner resources in order for you to re-gain a sense of freedom and direction.

We are looking forward to working with Kristina and together growing the aftercare service that we provide.  Kristina will be helping us roll out a series of coffee mornings and luncheons over the next few months for the recently bereaved.

We are delighted to have been accepted as a “Recommended Funeral Director” by the Natural Death Centre for 2015 – 2016. The Natural Death Centre seeks to inform, empower and inspire the public in all matters relating to death and dying, and in particular to increase awareness of funeral choices outside of the mainstream.

Recommended Funeral Directors have to agree to support and promote the following

• To be flexible with the public and provide the service they request.
• To state clearly what their services entail, including a clear breakdown of costs for each part.
• To provide a very basic disposal service if requested.
• To provide information regarding all disposal options to all clients.
• To assist families who only want a part service, and not to make this difficult by offering ‘packages only’.
• To inform customers that they can send feedback about the services provided to The Natural Death Centre.
• To explain that embalming is optional – and also explain what embalming entails.
• To inform families that they may like to help with some aspects such as washing and dressing the person who has died, or carrying the coffin.
• To state clearly if they are a member of a larger ‘group’.
• To inform families whether the person who has died is being kept at another facility.
• To provide families with options for other types of celebrant beyond simply a minister or a humanist.
• To meet and make arrangements at the family home at no extra charge.

 

Despite their long running links with environmentally friendly funerals, they are not a green pressure group, but primarily a movement for social change.

They have played a central part in demystifying the traditional funeral, encouraging thousands of families in having the kind of funerals they wanted, and helping create opportunity for new rituals to emerge.

They are, and will continue to be an informed and reflective presence on issues such as dying at home, caring for our dead and changing funeral practices and actively promote natural burial as an option that should be offered to everyone.

Eighteen months ago my 92 year old mother finally released her hold on her physical body.  None of us who had travelled her journey with her for the previous two years were sad she’d finally chosen to go, we were more relieved for her that now she was free of what had become an increasingly intolerable and painful burden.   I knew one of my cousins, Clive, had run a white dove release business from his home in North London for several years and on the day of her funeral he brought two beautiful doves down with him in a pretty white basket for us to release after the ceremony.  We’d never taken part in a release before and had no idea what to expect. 

Clive explained he’d bought two doves to symbolise Mum’s re-union with Dad now, and said they could be released from the basket or we could hold them and offer them up for their homeward flight.  We chose the latter, and it was interesting to notice that as he explained what was about to happen to our gathered family and friends, the mood of the group changed from insular grief to a sense of curiosity that connected and lifted us.

 Gently cupping the beautiful dove that was handed to me was magical.  The softness of her feathers, her pure white colour, the innocence in her eyes, and her acceptance of my touch whilst yearning to fly free, enchanted me.   At Clive’s command I lifted my arms and opened my hands.  ‘Fly free Mum, fly free…..’ my heart cried.  And she did.  Strong, graceful, light as a feather, in an instant my dove rose in the air, returning to the freedom that was her birth-right.It is easy to understand why these beautiful, gentle birds have for thousands of years been universally accepted as symbols of love, peace and new beginnings.  As she rose and circled above, quickly joined by her companion, everyone watched intently.  They circled twice more, as if saying goodbye before they took off on their homeward journey.  Looking up, arms still outstretched, my breathing had changed, and amazingly so had my feelings.  Somehow the doves had left their blessing: they’d connected me with the love that Mum’s life had gifted to me; the love that lived on in my heart.  “Be ever ready to release that love and I am with you always’ was the whisper that carried on the wind.

A few months later my daughter and I took receipt of our first batch of baby doves from Clive, and Lambert’s White Dove Release – Brighton, was born.  It was time to share the blessings down here in Sussex.

If you’d like a White Dove Release at a funeral or occasion you’re organising, or you feel it’s the right time to release in memory of a loved one already passed, give Laura a ring on 07746 450814, or join us in a 30 dove release at our Wings of Love ceremony at the Sussex County Cricket Ground on Sunday 31st July at 3pm:  www.doverelease.eventbrite.co.uk.

 Best wishes, Viv & Laura

  Lambert’s White Dove Release, Brighton